anxiety is my go-juice!

it was happening again. i was spinning out. my brain wouldn't stop. one problem became two. two became five. everything was wrong -- my re-fi was delayed. my kid got in trouble at school (man, i'm such a bad parent). my start up was almost out of money - how was I going to pay my bills? would my career be over because i was a cfo who couldn't raise money? my wife was mad at me. my son was mad at me. i was mad at me. stop. stop. STOP!

i called my friend Jay, as i often do in these situations.

"Jay, it won't stop. it's happenign again. i can't stop worrying and thinking about the future and how i'm going to pay my bills and how i have to clean the house this weekend because we have guests coming into town, and i don't know if i really have the energy to hang out with them..."

"Jarad."

"...and my mom's health isn't great and my parents want me to come visit but i can't find time and my tire still has a nail in it but who has the time to get their tire fixed? and it feels like i have to solve EVERYTHING on my own..."

"Jarad."

"...and i'm behind on this big promise i made to my friend and the people at the non-profit told me i'm not doing enough and... wait... what'd you say?"

"Jarad."

pause

"yes."

"Jarad. take a deep breath, it will be alright."

pause

in through the nose, out through the mouth. repeat. repeat again.

"how do you feel?"

"a bit better." shoulders soften. jaw softens.

"but Jay? how do I get it to stop?"

thoughtfully and calmly, Jay shared a lesson and analogy that i think about every day of my life:

"right now the train is coming full force down the tracks. the first thing you need to do is stop the train - to break the control anxiety has over you. first - just stop. physically stop moving. take a relaxing breath. let your brain slow down.

anxiety isn't bad.

think about anxiety like a propeller on your boat. if you didn't have anxiety, then you would be idle, you wouldn't move forward.

what causes problems is when the propeller is spinning too fast. that's when it feels like your thoughts are spinning out of control -- the train is moving quickly down the tracks. not every runaway train ends in a wreck, but every mile is exhausting."

it was like my cats (Rosco and Original) when they get the zoomies. out of nowhere they will go from calmly sitting on the couch to zipping from corner to corner of our two story house like a giant Doberman is chasing them. i don't know what causes it, but it's unsettling to watch.

"i think i get it, that's a helpful analogy. but how do i keep it from taking over again?"

"i'm not going to lie, that will take some work and some time. but, let me ask you something - what expectations are you putting on yourself? when you say you need to clean the house, do you have to clean it as much as you think you do? or are your friends just happy to see you? and talk to you wife; maybe she's mad at you because you've been stressed out and short with her. or maybe you just think she's mad at you but it's not even about you.

but, deep down, you have to figure out why you have so much anxiety. you can't put bandaids on it, you have to dig deeper to understand the why."

he was right. and i did figure it out. but it took some time.

to be continued next week

the song that reminded me of this memory: static by sleep theory

'Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.'